Monday, I Hate You

I knew you were coming,
But I’m never ready for you,
It’s a chance to do something new
But sometimes the old doesn’t sound so bad,
Some dip you in glitter,
I’d rather pull the cover back over my head,
Begging for yesterday to return but it’s so far away,
Only if you can fast forward it,
Instead it’s in slow motion,
Super slow to be exact,
And it’s never enough coffee,
Never enough weekend,
But I’ve had enough of you,
I don’t want you anymore,
But here you are,
Returning weekly to punish me with your presence,
But depending on how you’re viewed you’re a present in my presence,
A gift wrapped in shiny paper,
Waiting to be opened,
So as the alarm clock chimes increase,
I awaken to think how much I hate you Monday,
But please, never miss a week,
Come back every six days because truthfully,
You’re the only thing I complain about and I miss you when you’re not here.

How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships.

Trauma is real. Whether it came as an adult or as a child, it happens and it affects us daily in our everyday lives. From getting up daily, pretending to be normal or dealing with people with less trauma than you, it affects us all differently.

What Is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma has caused a lot of failed relationships because we as a society have learned to mask our pain. We hide it from the public eye, especially in the social media age. We pretend everything is great. We say phrases like “I’m okay” when we are the furthest thing from it. But is that healthy when dealing with someone else?

Some of us come from broken homes. I personally grew up in the foster care system and I learned to say “I’m okay.” Then as a black man, I was taught we must be strong and showing emotions that weren’t happy or angry was a sign of weakness. As of late, I’m learning that’s complete bullshit, but it’s also something I have to unlearn as I continue to grow.

But the things I have been through have kind of made me who I am, but doesn’t mean that that is the person I am supposed to be. Many of us are dealing with childhood trauma whether it’s from broken homes, rapes or being abandoned. But those are just small things, the list is extensive. But we must grow in order to be our best selves.

How Does It Affect Us Today?

Many people have said they have pushed the thoughts they were having to the background. Buried them deep inside, but the triggers bring them back to the forefront.

Then people tend to jump into a relationship with expectations for their partners that are unrealistic. We look to our partners as our healers. We ask them to do extraordinary things when they are just ordinary people like you and me. And that in itself hurts the relationship more than it helps.

Listen To The Dear John Romance Podcast – CLICK HERE

It doesn’t help that we expect them to be there. To understand a trauma they may have never experienced. For some the allure of having someone show empathy to a situation causes us to lean on them. Then we are right back to expecting things from them. Those expectations when not met, breeds disappointment and leads to many failed relationships.

What Can We Do To Avoid These Expectations? How Can We Heal?

Someone close to me tells me all the time to “relax.” Sometimes I just want to block them. Most times I listen. People tend to overthink often and I’m definitely one of them. I tend to lead with with my mind and heart in a full sprint and never take the time to see the situation for what it truly is. I never actually go with the flow of things.

Lately, I have and it’s leading to more fruitful interactions with people in general, not just relationship situations. As I have healed more and more, I have noticed that my conversations flow. I’m not expecting an outcome that is unrealistic anymore. I don’t expect someone to do me the same as others. Everyone has a clean slate nowadays.

I don’t expect people to come into my life and erase the pain I’ve experienced. I have asked them to listen to understand and not to reply when discussing things that I have been through though. Whether it’s with my therapist or friends and family, I have faced my traumas instead of pushing them inside so deep that when they do appear I don’t recognize them.

I have learned to heal by accepting that my past is my past and it’s nothing I can do to change it. But I also understand that my present is the furthest thing from my past and my future has nothing to even do with it. It’s okay to speak on your trauma, but you shouldn’t live in it. That’s one of the biggest mistakes we make as humans dealing with trauma but noticing it is the first way to heal.

What’s Next After The Healing Process?

Well, after you heal, why not live life a little? I mean, you’ve already been through the pain, you’ve already faced it and now your healed, why not enjoy life to the max.

Go on a vacation even if it’s alone. Take yourself to get pampered. Hit the salon. Go shopping. Do something that you enjoy. Do something that defines you. Learn what makes you happy again. You’ve spent so much time focusing on the negatives, now think of all the positives you will encounter now that the healing process is over.

It’s okay to be happy again and because you are healed, it’ll lead to more fruitful and realistic relationships. So, go on that date you’ve been avoiding. Send that message to your crush. But be weary of the triggers that can lead back to your trauma because flare ups are going to happen. But you know that it’s not the end of the world.

It takes time and like they say “Rome wasn’t built in one night.” So stop trying to heal yourself in a day. Sometimes it takes years and you may have to do it alone. Other times you’ll have someone there to push you through the rough patches.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help either. We all need it, but don’t expect it to come from your loved ones or even your partner. Sometimes you need to reach out to outside help and learn from others traumas and how they coped and healed. It’s a process and you can’t miss any steps. But the future is endless once you reach that point in life where it’s not your world. Because then you can actually enjoy the world for what it is and not for what you thought it was supposed to be.

Let’s Talk About It: Round Table Discussions (Part Two)

Usually, we post once a week. But due to tons of submissions. We gonna stretch it into a two part Q&A with more guest.

Here is Part One: Click Here


Sheena, creator of sheenballa.com
Dominique, author of Pink Canvas
Shock, co-host of Shock & Mina
Gifty, blogger
Easton, YouTuber
Jai, loyal subscriber


1. What advice would you give your younger self about dating?

Sheena: Take your time. Listen to your gut and don’t allow anyone to dictate what you should feel.

Dominique: Whenever a guy makes you feel nauseous to be around him, trust that feeling and RUN! You’re mature for your age, but leave that grown ass man alone. He’s a pedophile and you can’t offer him anything more than pussy and conversation. Take your time getting to know yourself and date only those who value you accordingly.

Shock: Be polyamorous.

Gifty: I would tell my younger self to be patient and not judge quickly on outer appearances.

Easton: I’d tell my younger self to not feel pressured to date. That she’s perfect the way she is and don’t let older men and boys tell her otherwise. I’d tell her not to be naive of date men n that no means no… n that she can tell her mom anything about any relationship, she won’t get too mad.

Jai: It’s okay if this doesn’t work out and last forever. It’s okay to leave someone who has been deemed a good man by others. It’s okay to let go and start over. Also, patience. Take your time. Your heart/ your love can’t be rushed.


2. What makes you feel appreciated in a relationship?

Jai: Kind words expressing that I am appreciated followed by actions. Tell me but truly show me by giving me you time, consistency, love and support.

Dominique: I feel most appreciated when my interests are taken seriously. When he takes time to communicate with me in my first language–poetry. When he pays attention my smallest detail–it says, “I see you.”

Gifty: When my partner compliments and support my goals.

Sheena:Acts of Service; Understanding that I’m driven and being something that makes my life, and its work logisticallay easier, is love

Shock: When my wife tells me I’m awesome.

Easton: Just simple “thank you” or being taken out (I’ll even pay for the bill). Idk. I don’t like gifts, praise or compliments.

Listen To the Dear John Romance Podcast Now Available on Anchor

3. What’s one thing your significant other could do to make you more confident about the future?

Dominique: My confidence is sky high about our future and he does a great job of providing reassurance. Hmm…one thing he can do…well, he knows what stone I want in my ring. I’ll wait! (He also knows that waiting has an expiration date lol *wink*)

Shock: Nothing. Been together 16 years. Our future is sealed.

Jai: Talking about our future but also putting plans in place to make those things happen.

Easton:I don’t have a significant other but something I’d find reassuring is if we constantly grew and evolved at a steady pace n we had great communication. Couples have that could make it through anything.

Gifty: By having a goal.

Sheena: Continuity and proven success.


4. If you had a change one thing about your relationship what would it be?

Easton: Not in a relationship but for some reason ppl like to lie to me so maybe I’d like to create a healthy open environment for the to feel comfortable enough to be truthful with me.

Gifty: The lying for sure.

Sheena: In my next relationship id be brutally honest right up from. The things Ive through have made me who I am and who Im not, so being honest is the best idea.

Jai: I’m single so…

Dominique: His snoring!! Not even gonna hold you. Our communication and all that jive is on point. There’s some downs in the mix of highs, but nothing beats not being able to sleep at night cuz a bear in human form is right next to me!

Shock: Nothing.


5. What does your significant other do that turns you on the most?

Shock: When she has a girlfriend that she can’t get enough of.

Sheena: Takes the time to learn me and my body. What makes me tick and doesn’t intentionally upset me.

Easton: When I’m dating someone best things they can do to turn me on is give to those in need, act like family to family, and drop innuendos.

Gifty: By taking me on a dinner date.

Dominique: Exist. His complexion, his smile, his embrace, his confidence. All he has to do is breathe and I’m all over him!

Jai: Truly listens. I like that shit

Can I Answer These Anonymously?

Not everyone is comfortable answering relationship topics publicly. Our subscribers still have a voice that would like to be heard.

One subscriber I sent relationship questions to sent them back and asked if they could be shared anonymously. Here was their responses.


1. What advice would you give your younger self about dating?

As a child I remember being told don’t be in a hurry to grow up and I remember thinking, you don’t know shit because I know it all. Now as an adult with bills and responsibilities, I think to myself if I could go back to that time with my current knowledge, I would take those naps and enjoy playing.

Right now I would tell my younger self slow down and enjoy your youth. The option of being single isn’t a death sentence it’s an opportunity to grow and learn. Do not be in a hurry to jump into any relationship unless it feels good. Also if it doesn’t feel good run away as fast as you can.

2. What makes you feel appreciated in a relationship?

Appreciation all comes down to your love language. Some people may think it’s buying gifts but its quite the opposite.

The most times I feel appreciated is when it’s the little things. Listening when I had a bad day, remembering I’m allergic to kiwis, or just bringing me M&M’s because you remembered they’re my favorite.

If we can sit down at a dinner table and have a full conversation without an argument or disagreement I feel you are fucking me intellectually and that is my love language.

3. What’s one thing your significant other can do to make you feel more confident about the future?

Let’s Talk About It: Round Table Discussions

A wise woman once told me when you make a plan the Universe (God) will laugh not because you don’t know what you’re doing, but mainly due to the fact that life throws curves at you.

For instance, I believed that by the age of 30 I would have the house, the marriage, and would be ready to start having kids. Nope, wrong as hell.

The truth is I had the house, car , a boyfriend but there were things that were wrong. I’m going to tell ya’ll I wasn’t ready. My relationship wasn’t there yet, and that’s ok.

It takes soul searching, you have to know what you as a person, sound body and mind can deal with and if your life isn’t matching your goals the foundation isn’t solid.

Unfortunately it took me turning everything upside down to figure out what part of the puzzle didn’t quite fit. Selfishly, I had to put myself first to tell my other half what I needed to be happy and once I was willing and able things stated to get better before they got worse.

Being honest with everyone in my life caused me to loose people on this journey, but unapologetically I started to notice, there is nothing wrong with saying no. The best way I made my partner feel secure is to have goals of my own and set a plan and set goals together. Which really showed I’m putting in the work for us, and along the way we both worked together to overcome the obstacles we are faced with daily.

4. If you had to change one thing about your relationship, what would it be?

This can be a trick question if one believes in fairytale endings.

Honestly, when changing things there’s a chain reaction. You can be happy with everything except he likes to eat chips in the bed before y’all fall asleep. Even though all night long you are pulling pringles crumbs out your booty, and you complain asking for it to stop, it there. It happens.

Now, he eats those same pringles on the couch watching tv and you’re in the bed alone waiting on him to come to bed. I know this is a little far fetched but think about it, would you rather spend what could’ve been quality time alone or just roll with it?

For every cause there has to be an effect. Compromise is important, have any of you ever told someone to do/or change something but it’s not quite right? That’s because you as an individual cannot control everything.

My advice is to ride this rollercoaster called life and as long as you’re happy with what you have leave it alone and appreciate what you have. Everything and everyone that come in your life whether it’s a reason, season or life time has its purpose so sit back to find out what that is.

5. What does your significant other do that turns you on?

Simple.

If he walks past me naked, after getting out of the shower smelling good, looking good, and being oblivious to the fact that he has just crossed the path of a hungry predator that is going to take advantage of the fact that I don’t have to fight with stripping his clothes off. At this point all I have to do is lure him to the bed with, come here I need help with something…

Let’s Talk About It: Round Table Discussions

Every week, we get together some of the brightest minds from different aspects of life for a discussion on relationships.

We pose five questions, none off limits, and post the answers here.


This Week We Have:

Samie, DJ & Writer
Stephy, Host, Dear John Romance Podcast
Ayona, Artist, Blogger, JustAyonaLee
Ace McCain or Cain, Rapper
Deosha, Mother
Elijah, Singer
Jay, The Everyday Man


What advice would you give your younger self about dating?

Samie: I wouldn’t change a thing. Made all the right decisions and choices that flowed with me. I gave myself time to think about the guys I talked to while I learned my power when it comes to dating at a early stage in life. That power allowed me to not be manipulated or taken advantage of by anyone.

Stephy: Take your time, ask questions, study behaviors, research social media accounts, & backgrounds before agreeing to dates & relationships. It’s okay to be alone.

Cain: Honestly, Young King don’t rush finding the right Queen until you’re ready. You’ll end up in situations and outcomes you could never possibly imagine. You start to get trapped in emotionally, physically and mentally draining, which hurts yourself & self-esteem. Relationships are like ships, gotta stay a float or it will sink eventually like the Titanic.

Ayona: I would tell my younger self:

First of all girl you’re young and you’re not going to find your soulmate/husband today. Just take the time to figure out what you don’t like and don’t let anybody mistreat you!

Elijah: I would say to take my time and go with the flow of things. Be ready and willing to learn and allow the experience to be.

Deosha: I would tell myself to never settle and choose wisely. Just because it’s familiar doesn’t mean it will do right by you.

Jay: Be careful with the people you deal with. Take your time, don’t rush and NEVER give second chances.


What makes you feel appreciated in a relationship?

Samie: The fact that a guy wants to spend his time with me. I love being adventurous and an invite to go do something simple is still so exciting to me. Or the fact that we can watch a movie or anime while having deep conversations about anything and everything.

Stephy: Acknowledgement of my efforts & improvements that I’ve made during the relationship. Accept & acknowledge my input or advice.

Ayona: I feel appreciated in a relationship if my S.O actually tells me that I am appreciated and showing that they think about me. i.e buying my favorite candy

Deosha: I would have to say going above & beyond to satisfy me. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Cain: What makes me feel appreciated is feeling appreciated and please don’t let that fly over your heads. In order for those you love or others around you in those situations to feel that energy and vibes, you have to make them feel that certain type of way or feeling. It’s almost like being in love with that certain somebody. I can’t explain it but it’s a feeling you get when you just know and you accept it. Makes me feel just like that. When it comes to Cain the small things matter, it’s never the big things because the smallest things mean everything to a King. It makes the picture that much bigger as well and that reassurance everybody needs especially if there are backgrounds of messed up relationships and more.


What’s one thing your significant other could do to make you feel more confident about the future?

Cain: I would say being positive because that’s all that they ever are even when I’m downing my own self. She can keep me uplifted and I’ll always love her and hold her down for that. I’m already confident about mines and everybody future positivity.

Elijah: I feel that my significant other could be more considerate about decisions that affect both of us and that would make me feel more confident about the future.

Deosha: Gasssssssssss me up more than he does. Lol. My significant other doesn’t really know how to be romantic and express himself as he should so seeing him be more romantic and more vocal would make me more confident.

Stephy: Speak about the future more often using my name or references that point directly to me. Make plans or involve me in plans concerning the future.

Ayona: The one thing that would make me feel confident about our future is staying consistent even though he is 1,000’s of miles away.

If you had to change one thing about your relationship, what would it be?

Ayona: If I had to change one thing about my relationship, it would be the intensity. I would change it because I want things to be lighter instead of always being so emotional.

Deosha: To be honest I would eliminate all of the wrong doing. The wrong doing digs at my brain and somewhat causes brings out trust issues.

Samie: To be more harmonious & understanding.More open communications about what’s really going on within even if it seems hard

Stephy: I’m not currently in a relationship, but I would like for my next relationship to be more communicative. More discussion & dialect, less arguing and aggressiveness.

Elijah: If I had to change one thing about my relationship it would be the distance.


What does your significant other do that turns you on the most?

Elijah: I am turned on the most when my S/O gives me words of affirmation. I love being reassured about how she feels about me.

Stephy: In regards to my future significant other, I would say pay attention to me. Study me & learn me, my gestures & body language. Compliment me.

Cain: Everything she does honestly. Its almost like a natural high; nobody like the Queen. I can promise you that.

Ayona: When my S/O gives me advice!! Yeah advice for sure because i know that im not being led astray

Samie: I have two. When he teaches me something that makes me think, contemplate & question. Watching how excited he gets when he speaks about his passions and endeavors. His love for his work. I love watching a man chasing his goals and dreams down.

Alcoholic’s Anonymous

Tap, tap, tap,
On the bottom of the bottle,
It’s upside down
Like your ass in the air.
Every drop hits your tongue.
Sweet bitter burning love.
You can’t get enough.
It’s never enough.
No matter how drunk you get,
He takes you higher.
Your Pilot Jones flies nightly.
Then you unscrew yourself,
Unscrew any cork you can find.
The seal breaks,
And you smile at your reflection in the glass bottle.
The plastic bottle or cardboard box
They all taste like a version of him.
Intoxicating…
until you overdose.

Time

I don’t want to wake up from this dream,
So please don’t ask,
I want this crush to last a lifetime,
I understand these things are short lived but I have hope for us,
Thoughts of you without your guard up,
Mask off to reveal the real you,
The you many don’t get to see,
I wanna be able to have a glimpse of that,
So here I am asking you for permission,
Hoping you give me the consent to hold on to your heart,
I’m not expecting this to happen rapidly,
I want it to take time, grow and mature,
Because as rapid as things come,
Are as swift as they go sometimes,
But let’s take a leisurely pace,
Steady, because I want it be drawn out like commencement speeches on a hot summer day,
But the robes you wear aren’t meant for outdoors,
And truthfully they aren’t necessary,
The only things required of us is us,
You and me, no them, just our souls,
Combined to create one,
One day you’ll exit out of my dreams and into my reality,
But I’m not in any rush,
Because if we have anything right now is time,
And time is all we really need

Let’s Talk About It: What Is Your Love Language?

Until recently, I had no clue what love languages were. Had I known, it might have saved me a lot of headaches in previous relationships. Shit, had I known, I’d know a lot more about myself.

But during this process of “learning one self” I have learned what I enjoy and what I don’t enjoy in a relationship. It’s taught me what I’m willing to accept and what I won’t settle for. It taught me things that I took for granted shouldn’t have been. It’s helped me understand how to be better and what I should work on.

It also showed me how to pay attention to my significant other better. It’s taught me how to spot things that are off and use things like “words of affirmation” to boost a spirit. I understand now why some women enjoy cooking for them over going out to eat. Acts of service gets their juices flowing.

So I’ve recently did a poll asking what is the love language for some of my followers and here are the results:

(Editors Note: Seeing “Receiving Gifts” come in last place let me know the world isn’t completely lost.)

“Quality Time” took the win in this poll with 41% of the voters saying that spending time with their loved one is most important to them.

But everybody had their opinions. Here’s a few of them:

I def understand that, cause I could def deal with all 5. But of course I had to indulge more.

Now that’s the response I was looking for.

Some people couldn’t just choose one. I don’t blame them. Both these are definitely somethings I can understand and vibe with.

https://twitter.com/MariNyc2019/status/1152031586461728769?s=19

Acts of service for some love from a frequent voter.

Even had me googling DIY projects. I mean you never know right.

Words of affirmation got some love as well. Especially with it coming in second place in the poll.

Nobodies perfect, Ayona, but we’ll let you slide.

You’re not alone Courtney. Not by long shot.

But overall, I’ve learned one thing with this question, we are all different. Many people commented. Everybody had an opinion but nobodies was wrong.

So definitely learn your significant other. Ask questions, but don’t only ask, act on the things they say. If it’s words they need, tell them their beautiful. If it’s a touch, make sure they get their daily hug.

It’s the little things that create big things like weddings. At least that’s what they told me anyway.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave any comments below. And don’t forget to subscribe.

Let’s Talk About It: Would You Stay In A Relationship With Someone After A Failed Proposal?

Relationships are hard. Some are more complex than others, but it’s up to strong individuals who want them. Especially once things get intense and you see potential to move further. Some people are more ready than their partner. Which leads to botched proposals. The likes that have been shared on social media often lately.

So it made me ask myself a question. If I was to propose to a woman and she told me “no” would I still even be interested. Of course, the first answer I came up with was “hell nah” you tripping.

But the mature person that I’m becoming made me question things differently. Like, maybe it wouldn’t be bad to understand what I’d need to work on. Especially, if the woman isn’t looking to end it, just wasn’t ready.

So I put up a poll on Twitter and these are the results.

I didn’t expect the results to be as close, but to know that 37% of the people who voted believe that you should stay was shocking. With most responses coming from women, I figured with the answer being no, they’d want nothing to do with the person.

Boy, was I wrong.

I mean, I can see a male’s ego being damaged after a failed proposal. But I do believe a lot of males do offer marriage thinking it will keep a woman. I used to be one of those guys.

Someone else mentioned about how they tried to make it work but it didn’t after a couple months.

Another user mentioned how the signs are there. If someone knew they wanted someone in their life long term they would know prior to the proposal.

Another user mentioned how they would react. You agree?:

So even though across the board it was even. Most comments mentioned how they expected the person to stay but would understand if he decided he’d rather move on.

My advice. Stay ready, but know when it’s the proper time to drop on that knee. It may save you from unwanted disappointment.

But that’s why we talk about it. To educate and learn. Everyone’s different but having a blueprint definitely helps you from making bad decisions.

To join in the discussion follow me on Twitter @aguynamedREMO and share your thoughts on this topic and many more in the future.

Thanks for reading!

My First Enemy

I didn’t even know where to begin this to be honest. I typed a sentence, erased a paragraph or two, even texted one of my close friends to ask them where they would start their story. I guess the beginning is the best place. But I have no memories of the beginning. Nobody to explain how it went. So I’ll start at I guess my first memories.

When I think about it, my first memories were kinda shitty. Come to think of it, my first memory was of The Children’s Aid society building on 44th Street in Manhattan. So I’ll just talk about specific situations that changed me.

I think my social worker was tormenting me as a joke. I still hate her. Maybe I gotta forgive to move on, but at this moment it’s still fuck her. You’ll understand why later. But she was my social worker for as long as I could remember. I had another lady, a black woman named Tracey Ware, but that was later down the road. Way after I planned to off Ms. Bush.

I know, you weren’t expecting things to get graphic. Sue me. I could use some more debt. But nah really, I thought of different ways I would like to see her go. Oh, you were waiting for a list? No problem. (Editor’s Note: Due to the conflicting ranges of age, race and sex of my readers you would need to tweet me @aguynamedremo to get that list in a more “casual” manner.)

Anyway, fuck her. She made my life a living hell. Really did a number on my childhood. And just when I was at my peak ripe age of 12, she took my freedom. But that lady man, that lady was like Cruela DeVille and I was one of the 101 puppies with the spots on them.

I use to believe it was because I was bad so she just decided to make it worse. But I realize now that she hated herself more than she could ever hate me. I was just a child. I didn’t ask to be here and it was obvious my mom wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t good enough but fuck it. Shit happened and well, I just know I seen Ms. Bush more than I saw my “mother” in my first 12 years of existence.

I don’t know, I’m really angry with this lady as you can see. But the reason is not anything she didn’t do for me. But what she did do.

So like I said, I was bad as a kid. But it wasn’t that I was bad, it was more less I didn’t give a fuck. So my actions that most deemed out of control was more less in control, I just knew it was nothing you could do that would make me change my mind. I think Ms. Bush knew it too.

So she basically punished me for being a kid. Mischievous and unpredictable but I was still a kid when I told her I didn’t do what I was being accused of. I was 12 years old at the time, probably about to be suspended from school. The only crime I ever committed was being hard headed but to be accused of robbery was out of the question. Still Ms. Bush decided to tell the nice detectives that she was done with me and go ahead and take him.

That moment exactly was probably the first real trauma I experienced, but my first as a black person. Where I felt that they just wanted to run away and hide away for life. Months before my 13th birthday, on May 5th, 1998 I became a resident of New York’s juvenile detention program. I’d spend the next 5 months fighting in court for a crime I didn’t commit and had no evidence for.

The things I experienced I’ll probably break down in another post, but prior to that I always had foster parents or something but for the first time ever, it was just me. No brother, no mother, no father, just me and the guards. I was told I had to plead guilty, which I eventually did and was told I’d spend 12 months in a residential treatment facility in Omaha, Nebraska called Boys Town.

I wouldn’t know freedom again until I aged out at 18. Being accused and told I was guilty for something I knew I didn’t do, knowing who did it and not speaking up maybe have been my biggest mistake. But loyalty is loyalty and it was ingrained in me. That same loyalty had me grow up any and everywhere the system decided. I was labeled a lost cause and threw inside with criminals and my only crime was not having anyone to give a fuck about me enough to fight for me. It’s probably why I don’t trust people.

It’s probably why I’m distant from “family.” It’s probably why I am the way I am. But it’s also why I hate Kathy Bush. But I forgive her now. It took a lot of years. But I realize now I needed that path in order to become who I am. And I’m thankful for it. It wasn’t easy by a long shot, but I made it thru so at least I can say that much.