I grew up poorer than most people so as a child through my teenage years, I thought monetary gains was the only way to be successful. Throughout my young adult hood, I thought growing with people and having lasting relationships meant more.
Today, at my big age, I realize that I was wrong totally and have rearranged my goals accordingly. I’m not sure when I mentally checked out, but I definitely did stop loving myself the way I should have been doing.
My self-esteem hasn’t always been on the higher side. I’ve hurt myself emotionally and physically, through actions that I didn’t know was harming my spirit. And it’s only because I forgot about the inner child in me.
I wasn’t ready to face it so I didn’t.
Most of my problems stem from my inner child being ignored and I can explain why a little.
Throughout my childhood, I wasn’t able to be a child. I mean I went to the park, I played video games, but I didn’t create any life long bonds. It was always a come and go process. I was shuffling foster homes like dealers shuffled cards at a casino. Without social media like we have today it was harder to accomplish.
I felt lonely on days when I was in a room full of people. I am loner by default, but every once in a while some positive attention from someone you cared for wouldn’t be so bad. Those days were few and far between. So I found the internet and chatrooms and that’s where I gained the things I was looking for.
But as an adult, it’s not the same. I can’t look for validation and love from others. I have to love me. But not also me, I have to love the inner child in me. He’s just as important as the adult and until I find that balance things will continue to be weird for me.
My inner child is my funny and humorous side. My creative side. The side that wants to help others be their best selves. The adult in me is always thinking about the next payday. The next come up. The next bill that’s due and how to pay it.
But finding the balance between the two is what being alive is all about.
People avoid healing. I don’t understand why because when they are sick, they dope themselves up on whatever is prescribed. But ask them to heal themselves emotionally and spiritually seems like a tall task for most.
People hide their pain in drugs and alcohol. In random sexual encounters. Even by tearing people down that’s just there to help them. I have done that. For years, I hid my pain in the next woman or the next blunt or even the next bottle. I chased things that didn’t want me thinking that’s where I had to be.
I finally understand now that I don’t need any of that. Shit, to be honest, I think I’ve felt it for awhile now and just avoided making the change because “it was comfortable” for me. That’s been a damaging mistake that I continued to make repeatedly.
But as I grow and the more I’ve learned the unabridged version of myself, the more I realized the mistake I was making and how I held myself back.
So I’m definitely going to work on reintroducing myself to the child in me. Life is about more than success, it’s about making memories. That’s why photo albums have been on coffee tables for as long as any of us could remember. It was never about what we had, but it was about who we had it with.
That’s the part of me that I miss the most. That’s the part of me I’m going to work on. Telling my inner child he’s not alone. Letting him now that he’s loved and cared for. Appreciating him for who he is. Letting him play when the urge comes. Getting back to doing things he loves. Because if he’s not happy, I’m only faking what I show the world.
I appreciate you reading this. It’s more personal but I hope it can help you realize the mistakes we are making. A lot of us forgot who we were and forgot about our inner child. Others haven’t. I aspire to be more like them and less like the man I used to be.
Don’t forget to subscribe by hitting the follow button. Feel free to leave a comment or two. Share it if you’d like. But most importantly, tell your inner child you love them. He/she’s been waiting to hear those words for a long time now.