Life kind of fucked me since an infant and I have been trying to recover from it since. It’s affected my everyday living as well as my relationships with other people, family and people I’ve been romantically involved with.
For years, I truly believed I had a handle on it. Shit, as recently as yesterday I’ve been telling myself that “I’m okay” when inside I know I’ve been lying to myself. Although my intuition has been telling me I’m on the right path, something in me has been telling me I’m not fully healed.
My friends notice as well. Recently, a conversation about possibly dating someone helped me realize that even though I think I am ready to begin dating again, I’m truly not healed. And it’s not a past love or anything, it’s just my past in general. I’ve never faced it.
I’ve never walked down the road either alone or with someone just there to visualize it for. I’ve honestly been too afraid. My confidence was already low and my self-esteem needed some work, so trying to open up to someone about it made me feel, well feel vulnerable.
But wounds are meant to be healed. Some require doctors assistance while others, the ones you can’t see, are your own to heal. So before I move on and look to join my soul with others, I have to realize that a broken soul is only going to chip others until theirs are broken as well. It’s not fair to them. Especially if I say I care for them.
This journey has no time limit. It has no end date as much as I’d like to have one. Because I’d like to experience life like others see it. Or how it’s supposed to be viewed from my optics. There is only one me. Many have been through the things I have, but not many have walked in my shoes. They don’t fit everyone.
My story is different than others. It may have it’s similarities but it varies in context. I’ve always been afraid to speak on it, thinking it’ll push people away. But those people weren’t meant to be here for the journey. They may have their own wounds to heal. Those that stick around want to see my growth. Want to see me win. Want the best for me.
And those people will get the best me as well as the best of me. For some reason tho, I decided to share it with the public. Maybe it helped someone else deal with their inner demons that’s holding them back. Maybe it’ll help someone else open up. Maybe it’ll just be a good read for some.
Regardless it’s my story. I’m just thankful you’re sticking around for the messy parts.