To be honest, I’m not even sure when my emotions checked out but maybe it was after the situation I went through with my son that they were basically gone. I never looked back to find them.
It hurts me in relationships, but at this point I don’t care anymore because after understanding who I am, I’m not going to try to be something I’m not. It’s no point. It’s only going to hurt the person on the other end and make me question why I did it for.
I’m not in the business of hurting people either. That’s never been in my DNA. It’s just the idea of being emotional invested into something, where I can possible lose control of the situation that terrifies me. I’m a logical thinker. Even in relationships, I use my brain more than my heart. To think that my emotions will be in the driver’s seat and not my brain causes me anxiety.
People don’t understand me tho, they don’t get me. Then again, I don’t allow them the opportunity to. I push people away when they get close. I can admit that it’s my toxic trait. This hurt that I have in my heart, nobody deserves. So I refuse to put that on anyone. I’ll push you right out the door if I think I’m too much for you. But I usually only become too much when not afforded the space to be me.
Space for me is essential in relationships. It’s like number one. If you can’t give me space, then it’s never going to work. Ever. I need the space to be able to be me, whatever weird thing I feel like doing today, I need that space. Some days I don’t want to talk on the phone and I’d prefer to text all day. Some women will never understand it. Those women haven’t lasted a week.
I never blame them. I know it’s a Kareem thing. I know I have some issues in me or maybe they aren’t even issues. Maybe it’s just my makeup. Maybe it’s just who I am. I’ve accepted it and I wish other people would accept it to.
It’s not easy being in a relationship with me and I get it. I like to text. I rarely call. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It’s not saying I don’t think highly of you. All it’s saying in my head is that I have the space. I’m in my comfort zone. It has nothing to do with you personally.
I’m not out here trying to have a bunch of women. Yeah, women are attractive. But unlike other men, I know how to be friends. Yeah I flirt at tines, but it’s my idea of being friendly with a woman. Plus, why can’t women be told they are beautiful, it doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you. It just means you’re beautiful, your personality could be shitty.
But maybe this helps someone that’s interested in me, understand me a little bit more. Understand that I’m truly not for everybody. That I’m just different and I’ve accepted that. My past had something to do with my present and eventually it will be apart of my future. But I’m willing to change, but it has to be for the right person. That person that no matter what will stick by me.
So many people gave up on me. I don’t blame them, I’m hard to deal with. But when I meet that one person that will be by my side forever, that’ll be the person I open up to. For now, I’m just trying to continue growing as a person cause truthfully that’s all I can do.